~thailand/koh_tao/paradive*

*just in case you dont get the rather clever title here (if i do say so myself), it is a combination of the words 'paradise' and 'dive', and not the other perfectly logical interpretation of the word as meaning diving for the physically disabled.

Today was the first time Steve had ever been diving. He was mildly nervous, with a hint of excitment, a pinch of apprehension, a dash of carisma, a blob of handsome and a lashing of wit. The Man Formally Known As Steve (sometimes TMFKAS for short) strode in the Big Bubble dive centre, ouzing a false confidence, just in time to meet his dive master for the day - a German but pleasant chap named Andy. After fitting Steve into the largest equipment money could buy, he ventured onto the boat for his big adventure at sea.

Koh Tao is the no.1 dive spot in the whole of Asia, and possibly the world. After making several funny, but deeply touching and thought provoking jokes to fellow divers, Steve makes his way onto the boat to be trasported to the dive site. Steve and good friend Tory aquint themselves with Andy, and go through some basic dive skills before the big moment. Steve couldnt wait, but smartly resisted the ever strong urge to jump up in the air and run around the boat like a headless chicken screaming at the top of his voice "For the love of Britney, i'm going diving". Instead he leant back, cleverly and subtly hidding the rolls of fat on his stomach, and instead revealing an unfortunately very well hidden six pack.

Arriving at the dive site, Steve tanks up, and jumps in the crystal clear water in a the sandy Ta Note bay. Tory, Andy and Big Steve head down into the depths on the sea (well, actually only 6 metres). Steve embaressingly had emmense trouble breathing to start with, when he managed to breath in 3 times in a row, and then wonder why he felt like he was elploding. Luckily, in the knick of time, it dawned on him to breath OUT. A close shave for the Great Bellmondo.

Steve found the ocean world unreal. It was unlike anything he had ever imagined. He could have stayed down there for weeks. Fish of all shapes and sizes, sporting all the colours of the rainbow would swim all around, in and out of the masses of brightly coloured coral. Steve even managed to stroke the odd angel fish, whilst keeping a keen eye out for any sharks. Tory had trouble with her ears, so surfaced for a while. In the meantime, the rogue Andy decided that he would screw everything he has learnt about first time, unqualified divers and would take me down to 11 metres. Steve couldnt believe his luck, it just got better and better. He caught a glimpse at the massive Jenkins Ray hiding under a rather large rock. He performed an controversial upside down manouver to spot a queer shark looking creature called a cleaner fish running up and down the boat cleaning. Steve was later informed that this is the fish that follow the emmense Whale Shark around keeping it bacteria free.

If only he had 2 more days, Steve would have taken his PADI qualification. This was a measure of how amazing he found it all. I just 3 days, he would have been able to deep dive and swim with the black tippped sharks, the whale sharks, reef sharks etc etc. A thought that filled Steve with awe and exhiliration.

Once the day was over, Steve felt alive. He was sad to leave the island, but vowed to return. The following morning, he headed off the island in the direction of Bangkok, via the quaint little town of Chumpon, home of some of the nicest and most 'Thai' people Steve and Tory have met. Steve will be home soon. Just 1 day left for the brave adventurer, and all round nice guy. He expects plenty of presents upon arrival at Heathrow. Failure to receive said presents, would result in his depression and immediate drug addiction and refusal to provide grand kids for his parents.

Steve is happy.

***********
For the slow: this post has been written in 3rd person, and the Steve in question is me. I.e. Stephen Bellamy of England. My sincere apologies for any confusion caused.

~thailand/khao_sok/jungle_dream/to/island_dream

So the following three days, Tory and I spent swimming in rivers, getting bitten by fish (although i secretly think there were just leaves, Tory gets angry when i say so), losing sandals in the strong current (Tory), riding elephants, swimming in 5metre deep deserted waterfalls, reading in hammoks in trees, meeting a cool group of girls on a jungle tour, feeding the monkeys with bananas (by throwing them accross the river to them. All the girls managed to throw all their bananas impressively into the river, not even making it halfway accross, whilst the poor hungry monkeys just looked on in disgust) and best of all on the last night there we went on a night safari. That is, going for a 'walk' in the jungle at night.

Now, after the incident in the tree house on the first night, this may have been unwise, but we enjoyed it nevertheless. It was good fun, although we couldnt see much (being night time and all). We did get glimpses at mini sloth type creatures, giant moths, beetles, dogs, weird birds that didnt move (actually looked as if they were stuffed and mounted), huge fist sized spiders, tree frogs, cockroaches, toads, crickets and deer. Although i say we 'saw' deer, what we actually saw was two eyes in the distance moving as we shone to torch at it. Could have been anything! Maybe the tour guide's mate just messing around. Exhausted as we were after 3 hours of trekking, we were glad we did it, you get a great feel for how the jungle works, the different noises, the movements, smells, everything.

Grudgingly, we left the jungle in search of an island. We desperately wanted to go diving at least once before my holiday ran out. We settled on Koh Tao, THE premiere diving resort in all of Asia. We are here now, on another beautiful beach. Words cannot explain. We have a dive booked for this afternoon, so i must dash. Cannot wait! Although i have been assured that i wont see a Whale Shark, i know there are some in the area, and i'll keep my eyes peeled just in case! These things are incredible, the size of a house and about as dangerous as one!

Head off to Bangkok tomorrow morn where i will say farewell to Tory after a memorable few days together. So glad she joined me, we have had a great time together. Good luck to her in the north, as long as she remembers to offer half the price of anything that is being sold to her, she'll be fine. Have fun Tory, i know you will!

~thailand/khao_sok/drama/first_night

First night in the tree house was one to forget. Wow! Let me explain, but bear in mind i have told this story many times, and it never sounds quite as dramatic or scarey as it actually was.

Tory and I shared a large double bed, covered all over in a large mosquito net. Although it wasnt the mosquitos that i was worried about, it was the many creepy crawly things that hide everywhere and jump out when you're least expecting it. So we're lying there after an exhausting day's travel, maybe 2 or 3 in the morning. We were both on edge a little because the place was so dark, and we couldnt see enough at night in the tree house to do a full spider check. Tory is scared of spiders, and i am scared of anything that can move faster than me. We both were amazed before sleeping at how dark it was in the jungle. It sounds silly coz, at night everywhere is dark, but the jungle really was dark. Your eyes didnt adjust to any light, you couldnt see a thing, i have never experienced anything like it.

Also, the jungle is so loud. At night, the insects have a party, and go crazy. Noises all around. Big thuds near by, and banging on the door and roof are the scariest of all, makes you jump and gets your heart racing, especially as our tree house had big holes for windows, and our bathroom was in the corner and was open to the jungle with a huge skylight. Bottom line is, we felt very exposed and vulnerable in the house, particularly as we knew there were monkeys, gibbons, tigers, elephants etc etc all in the area.

Ok, so we are half asleep at about 3am ish, and all of a sudden there is this emmensely loud, blood curdling, spine chilling, heart stopping crash of glass. Bearing in mind we are no where near civilization, the nearest other bungalow is no where close. I can confidently say i have never been so scared in all my life. Tory jumped out of her skin, i panicked, but tried my best to calm Tory down, which was not easy. The crash came from the bathroom (about 1 metre away from the bed). I didnt let on to Tory just how scared i was untill the morning. The crashing of glass (bear in mind, there was NO glass in the tree house!!) lasted a few seconds, and then there was silence. Tory and I, too scared to move, held each other's hands and struggled to control our breathing for the next hour.

In the hour that i lay there without speaking, my mind went crazy with possibly explanations for the noise. Sometimes having a wild imagination is a very bad thing. My initial thought, and logical it seems, was that were were under attack by demonic monkeys (anyone who has seen Congo will know the ones i mean) throwing glass at out house. My second thought, and equally viable, was that it was aliens. Obviously. My third thought, and Tory's first was that someone was on our balcony trying to get in and attack us. My fourth thought was that we had been attacked by a huge gibbon, and that he was now inside our house and hanging in the rafters in the ceiling staring at us calculating his next move of attack into check mate. My fifth thought.... and so on. My mind was going crazy, and everytime is thought of something scarey, my heart was almost audible through my chest. The only was to calm myself down was to repeat over and over again "O God guide me, protect me..."

Tory meanwhile, was lying still, terrified, but comforted by the false assumption that i was not scared. If only she knew. well, 3 hours later, we were still awake, and i somehow had come to the conclusion that we must have had a soap dish in the bathroom (seemed unlikely tho), and a large, unimaginable insect had clumsily knocked it off the shelf and it smashed. Can you imagine my delight when i woke up to find a ceramic soap dish in pieces on the floor?? Phew!! what a night, not to mention the fact that we were forced to get up in the middle of it to use the bathroom. Turning the torch on was an ordeal and a half, as i was certain that as soon as there was light, we would see the demonic gibbon on the ceiling with white eyes ready to kill. Great experience, and needlesstosay, we survived it.

~thailand/khao_sok/jungle_boogie

Khao Sok. Khao Sok. What a place. What a wonderful, magical place. I dont think words can describe how much i enjoyed Khao Sok, but i will try. (Justin, Jason - this blog is dedicated to you)

In brief, Khao Sok is a jungle. A hugemongous, big-ass jungle. We travelled there by ferry, then a couple of buses and finally arrived in the jungle about 5 days ago. We had heard from Aloy and Martine that a guesthouse called the Art's Riverview Guesthouse is THE place to stay.

We were dropped off at by the bus outside a guesthouse called Jungle Hut's, where we were greeted by a, what can only be described at horizontally challenged, thai chap who tried his best to get everyone to stay at his place. When we insisted we wanted to stay at Art's Riverview, he started saying evil lies like "its miles away", "road is very bad", "very expensive", "mine better", "no taxi will go there", "my truck cannot go on the roads", "its 2.5km away!".... all of which was lies. As soon as i started talking the language of money, his truck all of a sudden, miraculously could handle the roads well. 2.5km turned out to be 500metres, and the roads were fine!

So glad we kept our resolve. Art's Riverview has to be the best guesthouse in the world ever. Apart from the river running through it, the restaurant built out of wood and bamboo and muli levelled and built on stilts, the people being some of the most fun and genuinely friendly Thai's we have met, it was the best accomodation i've stayed in.

(!superlative overuse alert!)

For starters, we stayed in a cute wooden bungalow........... in a tree!!! That's right, it was a freakin' tree house! Can you believe it? We arrived late at night, so we couldnt see the place. We had only dim torches. We had to walk in the jungle to get to it (insects crawling everwhere), cross our very own, and very unstable under my gargantuan weight, bridge, up a series of ladders, and into our tree house 30 ft off the ground.

It wasnt til the morning that we realised how spectacular the place looked. There were rivers all around and under the house, trees everywhere, we really where in a tree. I really could have stayed there for weeks, swinging in a hammock high up in the trees. It didnt rain once the whole 3 days we were there, and we both fell in love with the jungle. I hope the photos do it justice.

~thailand/koh_pha_ngan/water_dribbles

well... where do i start?? I suppose i should start where i left off. But first an apology for my ruthless neglect of this blog. (not many internet cafes in the jungle!)

So Koh Pha Ngan is stunning. Recommend all to go there while it is relatively undeveloped and paradisical. You know all those postcards that show palm trees, deserted white sand beaches and sunsets to die for.... well that is exactly what this place is like. Although at times a picture just cannot do it justice. I would have happily stayed on Koh Pha Ngan for the rest of yholiday. Although, having said that, i could say the same about every place i have stayed. Just so much to see and do in South East Asia.

After Tory arrived, we spent a few days exploring the island by motorbike on the unbelievably bad roads (huge elephant sized holes everywhere). We checked out two waterfalls. The first looked rather unimpressive. It hadnt rained for 4 days, so it consisted of a trickle of water meandering its way down some big rocks. No better a flow, and slightly less awe inspiring, than if you had turned on the tap in the sink at home. In fact, there was a suspicious looking blue pipe, poorly hidden under the dirt, which ran from the bottom of the water fall to the top. Hmmmmm... call it women's intuition, but i sensed something was not right. There was no one there, and we were scared because upon arrival there looked like there could have been an entrance fee aswell. But luckily the only person around was a very old chap, reading a paper in the 38 degree heat, waiting for death.

The next water fall was equally spectacular, but did allow us to climb up it in bare feet. It was quite steep and probably more dangerous that we made it look, judging by the two-left-footed german couple who thought it was a good idea to follow us up, and instead slipped and fell constantly. Tory and i should possibly have helped, but instead we just laughed. Are we bad people? At the top of the fall, we bathed our feet in the remarkably cool and crystal clear water. We gazed out accross the palm tree lined hills, and into the ocean in the distance. Dreamy.

After meeting up with Aloy and Martine (many many times on the island by chance), and hearing of their tales of the jungle in Khao Sok, we decided we would leave Koh Pha Ngan (i had been there for 8 days already) and head for the park.

Interesting point about the Thai men on Koh Pha Ngan. I stayed in a lovely bungalow resort on the beach, ran by a group of young, friendly, good-looking Thai men. Great fun, but couldnt cook to save their lives, but could manage a banana shake when the need arised. In 4 days that i was there alone, they hardly said a word to me. I sat in the bamboo restaurant day after day reading and watching the sea etc etc, and i got no attention. The second Tory arrived, the very second!, they were all over us. Suddenly they wanted to talk to me... Again, women's intuition, but i suspect they were not talking to me for the interesting, riveting and sometimes comical conversation, they were more interested in Tory.

~thailand/koh_pha_ngan/pleasure

My sincere apologies for the distinct lack of bloggage in recent times, but i am sure you would understand if you were on this island and could see what i can see. It is breath-takingly beautiful. I am more relaxed now than i can remember. Banana shakes on the beach, thai massages watching the sun set over the sea, hammock dwelling with head in my favourite book, frisbee on the sand.... what can i say?

Met up with Tory. Great to see her! Also in the same day, a certain Miss Blyth wanders up the beach to greet me. What a day. Although i find out the only reason she spotted me on the beach was because of my "swivelly hips" when i walk. Charming!

Spent yesterday kayaking around the island (exhilirating), snorkelling in the reefs (jaw-dropping) and getting thoroughly burnt by the sun lying on deserted beaches in the north. Great day. Tonight we are attempting to stay awake long enough for the all night "Half Moon Party". Not quite as good as the "Full Moon Party", but should still be mad. Will inform you all about it at some point in the future.

Hope all are well. Great to hear all the comments. Cannot believe the news about the Mad Woman in West Haddon, and a special hello to the Ozzie-Persian Mafia (Justin & Jason) and family. Might be heading for the jungle again soon to live in a tree house, so i'll tell you all about it in grim detail!n Til then...

~thailand/koh_pha_ngan/rocking

Knackered from previous post - phew! Keep this one short.

Arrived at Koh Samui, beautiful airport - series of bamboo huts for departure lounge, check in, arrivals... just great! Didnt stay long (about 1 hour actually) as Koh Samui is apparently more touristly that is neighbour Koh Pha Ngan. So i hopped straight on a speed boat for Koh Pha Ngan, where i am now, staying on a beach called Haad Yao, if only you could see the photos! Breath takingly beautiful, and surprisingly quiet, hardly anyone around, esp in the mornings.
I have an lovely air conditioned bungalow ON the beach costing me 7 pounds a night, and i have spent that past 2 days lying on the white sand, swimming in the crystal clear warm waters, reading my countless books, tasting the local cuisines, getting Thai massage (note, not oil massage) on the beach, lying in hammocks listening to the ocean..... oh and watching people beat the crap out each other at the weekly Muay Thai Boxing night!!!

What an evening it was last night. Just incredible. 7 fights, 5 knockouts. These guys are just incredible, so quick so hard! Atmosphere was buzzing. If there is one thing you must do in Thailand, it must be this. Highlight of the evening was when a very small Thai dude took on a massive, and i mean Sumo sized opponent. The fat guy's fighting style was to run at his opponent with momentum on the ropes could stop, arms out and give huge bear hugs hoping (it seems) to squeeze the energy out of the other fighter. Fat man lost, obviously. But he did wow the crouwd with he celebratory Roly Poly, and a demonstration of how he cannot do press ups because his belly extends out further than his arms can reach... oh we laughed!

Then the rain came down, tropical storm styleeee. So so hard, scarey almost. I had to ride back on my motorbike. I decided it was far too dangerous. I didnt even know the roads, and it was 20 km away! So i convinced a taxi guy to put my bike on the back of his trailer and drive me home. But he asked for a ridiculous amount of money to do it, so i just decided to ride back. All the locals seemed to be ok(ish) at it. It was an adventure, let me tell you. During an electric storm, the crickets go insane! I couldnt hear my engine over the sound of the insects, deafening. The rain beat down so hard, and i spent the whole journey in 2nd gear. 2am by the way. Inevitably, i went the wrong way. Long story short, drove 20km in the wrong direction, got drenched, feared i would have to sleep on the road, but got home safely after a quick prayer! Phew!

Huge news also: Got an e-mail from Tory (good friend from uni), and she expressed a desire to join me in Thailand seeing as i was alone, and she wanted a break. I said sure thing (thinking it was a good idea, but a little far fetched and impractical seeing as my holiday ended in 10 days), but then 2 e-mails later, and she has her flight booked. She will be here with me in 3 days! Woah! Crazzzzzy! I hadnt told Sara even... there was no time, it all happened rather fast. Sara, i hope you dont mind. Sorry i didnt warn you sooner, i only found out today it was actually happening. When are you arriving? Are you arriving? Where do you want to go? As mentioned in am in Haad Yao on Koh Pha Ngan, come soon while the beaches are fresh! Cant wait til Tory arrives on Sunday hopefully, havent seen her for a while. Havent thought beyond then, other than i extended my holiday til 16th to match Tory. Will be back in London 16th Sept in the evening. Crazy days.. living the dream!

[Family, e-mail me if there are any problems with my return date.]

~thailand/bangkok/craziness

Left Chaing Mai, with a tearful farewell, for Bangkok on the overnight train that took 15 hours. Man it sucked! I did have my own bed, but it was so hot and sticky that sleep was rarely undertaken whilst writhing about screaming "why am i here???!!" was much more common.

The stupidest thing about the train journey was the stupid Thai people (talking specifically about those on the train and not the race of Thai people in general mind you) walking up and down the train constantly with a bucket full of stupid drinks trying to hard sell them for an extortionate an unregulated amount of money. They must have walked up and down the train every 5 minutes for 15 hours. Tell me, if i didnt want a drink the last 459 times, why on earth would i want one now???!!! ARGH!

Otherwise a thoroughly pleasant journey.

Arrived in Bangkok to see instead of a city of civilised people, a mad rush of Thai's running around for no reason (i know this because i asked each and every one of them) breathing and sometimes giving out harmful gasses and generally looking anonymous. Checked into a hotel thinking i could stay here for a couple of days and "explore" Bangkok, but after a couple of hours i quickly realised that i could not stay in this place for a moment longer. I would have left that day had i not already paid for a hotel, and dammit because i did i was determined to sit in and watch their crappy tv and use their air conditioning whose temperature dial was 15 feet in the air! Why? Why put it there?
So as soon as i checked in, showered and dressed, i headed out on the town. I wanted to walk everywhere because the tuk tuk drivers were far to enterprising for my liking and asking too much money from a poor student like me. I had a map, and decided to walk to Khao San Rd, which i had heard so many good things about. So i walked, and i walked. Then walked some more. Checked the map and realised i had only gone 2centimetres! I couldnt believe it, i was a whole 10 cms away from my intended destination. So i thought i would get a ferry to Khao San Rd - "GENIUS" i thought. But i waited and waited for the ferry, and the only ones that came were going in the wrong direction! Do ferries drive on the left in Thailand?

So i leave the ferry in search of food, or at least a place that looking clean and semi inviting to rest my poor legs (by now i had walked for 3 hours in pollution, terrible heat, and without any food or drink since yesterday). 2 minutes from the ferry i meet this pleasant fellow called Jo (or something). Actually no, i'll call him The Accused for the rest of this story.

The Accused stops me and informs me that there is fireworks display tonight and that i must not miss it. I was like, cool - i like colourful things that go bang. So i thanked him for informing me, and i moved on. The Accused stopped me and told me he was a tourist as well (instantly making me feel more at ease with him, now knowing he wasnt trying to sell me something - haha, i was so foolish), and was from singapore and was a history teacher by day. He was a jolly fellow and had a funny voice, so i stayed and humoured his rantings. After a short while he tells me (in a very convoluted way, where he would ask me questions, and i would have to guess what he was thinking!) that the ONLY suit maker in the whole of Thailand, the very one that exports all of its cashmere suits to all of the world, was having a half price sale which only happens 7 days a year, and has been all over BBC and CNN, and it is in its last hour! And i had to, absolutely must get into a tuk tuk right now and go there and buy as many suits as i could handle.

Well, i played along for a bit saying "that sounds incredible", and things like "a few suits at discount price would be lovely", but after 30 minutes of The Accused's ramblings, and after politely refusing to take a tuk tuk he had waved down, i said i must leave, and that i would drop by the shop later after i had some food. Well, this is when it turned ugly. He suddenly got very aggressive, acting as though because i didnt go immediately, i was somehow personally insulting him. He starting calling my stupid and foolish and a "buffallo, no head". I couldnt believe, and i started doubting whether this guy was for real, and was actually trying to con me. I got mad! I said to him, i did "you are a very rude man" (seriously, i did), and left. Several more shouts of abuse came from The Accused before i turned the corner never to see him again. I was amazed that this guy could have been fake, so just to assure myself that he was scamming me, i decide to walk to this place he pointed out on the map, only to find it didnt even exist! And that nothing of the sort was ever reported on CNN or BBC....

It is incredible how far people will go to fool a tourist. I am so curious as to where that tuk tuk would have taken me, and also what The Accused would have got out of it... Needlesstosay, there were no fireworks either that night. I was so sad.

So, after my episode with The Accused, i try and find some food. Instead i only find dark seedy looking joints selling dirty bits of meat, looking unhygenic and burnt beyond recognition, so i bite the bullet and head for the McDonalds sign. Only to find there was no McDonalds there..., so strange! I decided i hated Bangkok, and didnt even make it to Khao San Rd. Had i done so, i might have had a change of heart, but we shall never know now. I hopped on the first plane to Koh Samui in the morning for some much needed fresh air, sun, sea and the occasional thunderstorm...

Big news to come, stay tuned....

~somewhere/island/beach

My beautiful readers.

I am on an a beach.

On an island.

Somewhere.

Nowhere.

More details later.

If i think you deserve it.

<insert smiley face here>